I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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