so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
