I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
