Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You took a bar mat shot.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
