; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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