I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
