My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
