i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
