apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
