Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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