There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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