If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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