so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.