i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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