You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
