...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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