well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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