drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Text me some of your sweat
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
