when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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