i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
