my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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