They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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