Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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