I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
