Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
