Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
