woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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