I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
