Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
