i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
