question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
