and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
