Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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