How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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