I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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