WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
