My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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