Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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