One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
