1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need water and some morals
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
