He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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