The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
