I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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