i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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