I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
