Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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