Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
