Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
