Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have already put on my inside pants.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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