She's JV to your varsity
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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