It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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