It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
