im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
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Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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