the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
